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November 21, 2009
Angel Gonzalez quit the Miami City Commission and pleaded guilty to a corruption charge, all because he did something extra nice for his daughter.
He got her a job, but she never bothered to show up.
For those unfamiliar with the concept, a no-show job is one that pays you for staying away and doing absolutely nothing. In Miami it's known as a botella.
At Gonzalez's urging, a politically connected company called Delant Construction generously put his daughter Elizabeth on the payroll for $500 a week.
The commissioner repaid the gesture by pressing officials to give Delant more city building projects, and by robotically voting yes for any Delant contract that came before the commission.
But wouldn't all daddies do that for their 28-year-old kids?
With the country facing double-digit unemployment, lots of folks would be thrilled to land any kind of job, even one that doesn't require their actual presence.
However, be forewarned: No-show work is tough to find. The employment offers that you see in the classified ads or on Craigslist almost always involve some sort of labor.
At the very least, you have to set your alarm clock, throw on some clothes and drive to an office or work site. Often you must report to someone known as a supervisor -- or ``boss'' -- who tells you what to do, even when you're not in the mood.
Obviously a no-show job is more desirable than a real one, particularly if you're lazy, spoiled or hopelessly unqualified.
As you might expect, there are a lot more deadbeats milling around South Florida than there are no-show jobs, so the competition is intense.
It helps to be a politician. Back in 1996, a Miami commissioner named Miller Dawkins had a swell no-show title at Miami-Dade Community College. Later Dawkins was sent to jail after being convicted on unrelated corruption charges, leaving unfilled his ghost position on campus.
Then a Hialeah councilwoman named Marie Rovira got nabbed by the feds for collecting about $40,000 in salary from a no-show job at the Port of Miami. By all accounts, marine commerce didn't suffer from her absence.
The Miami-Dade school system once maintained a nifty non-employment program for useless elected officials. One state representative, James Bush, was hired as a semi-invisible ``social worker.'' He missed 121 days of work, yet he still received his entire $61,000 salary. Talk about a sweet gig.
Sometimes a politician feels uncomfortable about accepting a no-show job, but that doesn't mean that he or she can't make a few calls on behalf of friends or relatives.
In Angel Gonzalez's case, that call went to Juan Delgado, the top guy in Delant Construction and a former president of the Latin Builders Association.
Unfortunately for Gonzalez, Delgaldo himself got in hot water, and now faces unconnected fraud charges involving public housing funds. Under pressure, Delgado spilled the beans about the bogus hiring of the commissioner's daughter.
Which brings up an important lesson: When seeking a no-show job, try to choose a company that's not under criminal investigation.
Likewise, employers should be cautious about giving no-show employment to anyone recommended by a politician with a felonious history. Gonzalez had a previous conviction for vote fraud -- his constituents might have forgotten, but prosecutors didn't.
And although Gonzalez's daughter hasn't ``worked'' at Delant since 2006, the $47,000 she collected back then was of current interest to the state. For employers and employees alike, it pays to know the statute of limitations.
If you think you're no-show material, remember a few simple tips when opportunity knocks.
Don't waste time preparing for the big interview because there won't be an interview -- it's a fake job, remember? The company doesn't care what you look like, where you've worked in the past, or what you know about the business.
Spell your name on the application exactly as you want it to appear on your paychecks. Write down your scammed job title so you can put it on your IRS return, in that unfamiliar box marked ``occupation.''
If you insist on trying to impress your future employer, assure him or her that you have absolutely no goals or ambitions beyond getting paid for doing diddly.
Finally, and most importantly, promise that you'll never, ever show your face in the workplace. This is called playing to your strong suit, and whoever got you the job will expect no less
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